Seasons of the Soul

“Mom, spring is officially here”. My daughter announced as we stood looking out at the birds in the backyard. Nothing looked different to me as I watched the birds at the feeders eating. I looked and looked but I saw nothing different that would indicate that spring had arrived so I asked, “How do you know?” She was quiet a moment and then said, “There, do you see it?” I shook my head as I strained to see what she so obviously did. She pointed to one of the tall clay pots that contained a desert plant and then suddenly a small bird came out from the pot holding in its beak a twig. Elizabeth smiled as she said, “That’s a Bewicks Wren and its building a nest; it’s spring. The wren repeatedly disappeared into the darkness of the pot and emerged with a twig each time and flew off to add it to its home; its twig treasure clutched tightly in its beak. We stood watching in silence and my inner thoughts wondered how spring could have arrived as winters chill hung about my soul. I turned and headed down the hall to the sanctuary of my room, longing for solitude.

I walked into my room a snow flurry following along as I closed the door firmly behind me. There alone in the winter of my soul my thoughts turned again to the little Bewicks Wren so intent upon its task of nest building. It didn’t seem to care that there were signs of winter still about or that there were dangers. My mind began focusing on all the mishaps that could befall this small bird, there could have been something lurking in the darkness of the pot or a hawk could swoop down and catch him unaware or a desert wind could rise and destroy what he was so diligently building; undoing all his hard work. Yet despite all the unknowns this little bird stayed focused on the task at hand; he was living in the springtime.

I sat in the quiet of my room and shivered as the chill within grew. The Bewicks Wren was outside working in the warmth of spring but I was engulfed in a winter depression I could not seem to shake. There were circumstances in my life placed there by another that at times rendered me frozen and fearful – it brought winter every time it surfaced and I feared this winter would never end. I closed my eyes, my emotions in tumult. My body is entering a new season as well…Perimenopause the doctor called it. My moods have more swings than Tiger Woods these days. And my birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. I usually enjoy my birthday, but not this year. This year it is something I dread; I’m turning 50. I sat huddled in my room playing worry on the big screen of my mind’s eye causing flurries of fear to fall in my heart and suddenly everything felt so hard – the once fertile soil of my soul seemed frozen as I scanned the terrain of my heart it appeared barren and desolate and I wondered if anything would grow there again.

As I descended deeper into this blizzard of fear and worry a knock penetrated my thoughts and my daughter’s voice called from outside inviting me to go with her to Joshua Tree to see the wildflowers. I started to say no; after all I was stuck in winter but a gentle prodding from an unseen hand pushed me toward the door and I agreed to venture out. I decided to pack a few things for the journey into a backpack: my bible, my journal, my ipod, a couple of devotionals and an assortment of pens and highlighters. Twenty minutes later Elizabeth and I piled into her car and headed down the road. We talked as we traveled down the 10 freeway and I wondered if she could see the snow falling on me or if she noticed that when I spoke frost laced my every breath. As we drove Elizabeth pointed out wildflowers that had popped up along the freeway – they didn’t seem to care that most of their audience sped passed them blind to their beauty, oblivious to their presence. But we saw them and my daughter called them each by name as we passed. It seemed in no time we made the turn off the freeway onto the Cottonwood entrance into Joshua Tree.

The two lane road meandered through the desert landscape and the harshness of the environment caused me to wonder if we would see any wildflowers in this place, how could anything possibly grow, let alone bloom in these conditions but as we turned a corner we were greeted by vast carpets of color; it was a scene so surprising and so breathtaking that we pulled over to the side of the road and got out.

As we walked among the blooms my daughter quietly said their names: Sand Blazing Star, Crypantha, Purple Mat, Arizona Lupine, Forget Me Nots, Desert Dandelion, Primrose, Desert Gold Poppy and Desert Star just to name a few. So many varieties; each unique and beautiful. We drove a little further and then pulled over again and hiked to some hills. Elizabeth headed off on an adventure of her own and I quietly walked admiring the rich hue of reds in the rocky slope and finding a flat boulder I sat down among the blooms taking it all in; my senses thrilling to the endless chorus of color. I was in absolute awe of what I saw.

A warbler landed in the brush nearby, singing a lovely song and I wondered how he could sing such a beautiful song in this harsh environment and I wondered how the wildflowers struggled through the rocks and emerged with such breathtaking color. “They bloom where they’re planted”, I jumped a bit at the sound of His voice. “Hello,” I said. “Hello”, He replied as He took a seat on a large boulder next to me.

I sat quietly looking at the rocky, sandy soil under my feet; I felt guilty because my times with Him had not been their best. I woke up often in the night and would grab my quiet time supplies but then I often sat staring off into space. Somehow I thought my times with Him should always be earth moving and deep but they were up and down like my emotions these days. I looked up at Him through the winter of my soul and whispered, “My heart is hurting”. “I know”, He replied. He didn’t say anything more, He moved in and I felt the warmth of His embrace and I could hear His heartbeat here in His garden as I looked around all the seasons seemed to collide in this place: the harshness of summer, the golden hews of autumn, the stark bareness of winter, and the songs and colors of spring. Here He was in the midst of it all and it came to me then that He is in every season; even the winter of my soul and I snuggled in closer to Him and closed my eyes. No words were needed, He simply held me near Him, embracing me in His presence.

I poured out all my heart thoughts at His feet then. He listened patiently as I cried and spouted childish fears of being 50 and of unending winterness. He didn’t laugh or tell me I was being silly; nor did He tell me to stop whining and get up; He simply listened. As I cried He wrapped me closer to Him, shielding me from the bitter winds that whipped up in my soul. I sat crying in the middle of that flower specked field and then He helped me get up and we took a walk through His garden.

We stopped at a single clump of purple flowers that appeared to be growing out of a boulder on the hillside. I wondered at this brave flower as it grew and bloomed with everything it had and who would see it? Who would notice it? It had struggled up through the hard, rocky soil with no apparent way through but the master gardener knew the way and the tender shoot had broken through the harsh surface, and appeared to be so glad to bloom right there where it was.

Knowing my thoughts He simply said, “El Roi”. This was a familiar name, though I had not thought of it in quite some time. I smiled and looked at Him as I said, “The God Who Sees. You see”. He nodded and continued, “Jehova Jireh”. “The Lord will provide”, I whispered. As we stood there looking at this beautiful bouquet in the rock it struck me that the wildflowers did not require tending by human hands nor did their blooms need human eyes to approve them or human lips to sing their praise, they took root and grew in the most unlikely of places at the touch of the Master Gardener and bloomed in the presence and at the bidding of El Roi, The God who sees and Jehova Jireh, The Lord will provide all that is needed.

I heard Elizabeth calling me and as I turned to go I found a note that my heart’s gardener had tucked into the corner of my heart, “Dear Diana, as you stand in my garden look at the flowers and remember that even Solomon in all his splendor was never clothed as radiantly as these. Remember I am the God Who Sees, and if I see each flower that blooms, every petal that falls, if I do all this for these that are here today and gone tomorrow, how much more do I see you, every smile, every laugh, every heart dance, every tear. I am El Roi, the God Who Sees, Jehova Jireh, The Lord will provide. I Am the great I AM, your heart’s gardener. I love you.” And as I read His words and looked out at the wildflower garden He had planted I felt sheltered and loved.

I am still in winter of the soul but I have taken a lesson from the Bewicks Wren, regardless of the season my eyes are focused on El Roi, the God Who Sees and I go about the task He has given me in this season of winter winds knowing He is Jehovah Jireh, The Lord who provides. He is here whatever the season providing all I need, tilling the soil of my heart with trials that will one day render blooms. In the meantime, I sit in His presence, sometimes reading and sometimes wrapped in the warmth of His presence but always knowing He is with me in every season.

The seasons serve a purpose on the earth and so do the seasons of the soul. We have times of dryness and times of fading and soft color and then we have the quiet stillness of winter and finally the songs and colors of spring.

Sometimes, especially when we are struggling we can tend to stay away from the Lord. As I shared I was struggling with my quiet times. I was waking up often at night but my heart was distracted with worry and fear. It’s easy to feel we can’t go to Him until we are back on track. We need to clean up first before we “Come”. That isn’t what Jesus said, is it? “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened. Are you weary? Are you burdened? Is the world around you in the full bloom of spring and yet you are in a winter of the soul? Jesus is whispering to you, “Come to Me.” You may feel like that isolated wildflower bouquet growing through the rock in Joshua Tree. Take heart, the Master Gardener knows the way, follow Him and stretch upward toward Him and bloom where He has planted you.

Deuteronomy 32:2 says this, “Let my teaching fall like rain and my words descend like dew, like showers on new grass like abundant rain on tender plants.”

I love this! Are you having heart hurts? Just tell Him. He knows. He was a man of sorrows. He knows what it is to hurt and ache. Remember, He was behind the stone of winter after the agony on the cross but God’s voice thundered and the stone of winter rolled away and the result: LIFE. So immerse yourself in His presence and in His Word and let it rain down in all the tender places, bringing life. Remember He is El Roi, the God who sees. Jehovah Jireh – The Lord will Provide and He is with you in every season of the soul.

An Original Conversations at the Well
By Diana Morgan